Wednesday, May 28, 2003


A six year old has a crush on me

and she leaves these adorable little crayon drawings outside my apartment door. If we pass each other on the building stairs she does this little startled freeze-crouch thing, like she's going to run away or jump but can't decide which. I think this city would be so much cooler if everybody who had crushes adopted the freeze-crouch as a way of letting their crush know.

I'd be happy being single, except for one thing...


If there's one kind of food I love the most, it's bread. Sweet buttermilk, sourdough, bread with stuff in it, bread with stuff on it...bread. And while processed, preservative-laden Wonderbread has a starchy charm all its own, the best bread is the snobby artisan varieties. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the rosemary bread from Whole Foods is my favorite bread in the city. Mmmmm.

So why does rosemary bread make me sad about being single? It's because even though I make a conscious effort to finish it, I always end up throwing away part of the loaf. There's only so much bread a single girl can consume in the few fleeting days before it goes fuzzy. Don't lecture me about freezing half the loaf, mom. That ruins the texture and I will not even consider it.

Maybe one day I will find someone to help me finish my loaves in a timely manner.

was he a pirate?

Hey, guys, could use your advice about this. I was dating this guy for a few weeks, but it always felt like something was just a little "off." I finally broke it off with him, but I felt bad doing it.

After discussing it with some co-workers, they suggested that he might have been a pirate. All of a sudden it became clear: the eye-patch, the wooden leg, the way he always had that giant parrot perched on his shoulder. I realized every time he'd kiss me goodnight he would wink and then whisper, "Arrrrr, matey! I had a great time tonight!" His recurring struggle with rickets was troubling to me, too. And during our break-up talk, he became upset and yelled "Avast ye, wench!" and covered his teary eyes with a dirty, red and white striped handkerchief.

What do you think? Was I dating a pirate?

Superglue Lesbian

You had stopped the bleeding. I have no idea how you got that deep gash on your thumb, it made me queasy but what you did next strangely aroused me! You pulled a tube of superglue from your bag and applied it directly. You pinched the wound shut and blew on it for a moment. Then as if it had not bothered you for a second you fished a tin of lipbalm from your pocket and smoothed your lips. I can't believe you didn't notice me starring at you. You were tall and somewhat boyish, but with an incredibly feminine face and porcelin skin. It gnaws at me, why did you have superglue in your bag? I've spent all morning speculating about it's other contents, filterless cigarretes, mascara, a leatherman tool! I imagine you as a younge girl scout, chopping wood under the direction of some grizzled old woman in a green polyeseter uniform. I have no doubt that if your arm was trapped in the closing subway door, you could amputate it to survive using nothing but perhaps a tampon string, like some kind of lesbian MacGyver (without the mullet, are you too good to be true?) In my mind we've already had our first date, after dinner you rewire my entertainment system and then give me a facial.

I saw you at Popeyes

I saw you at Popeyes.
You had some sexy thighs
You lookded really nice.
You ate some beans and rice.
I smiled but you missed it.
You was eatin a biscuit.
I wish you would've saw,
but you was eatin cole slaw,
and lookin out the winder'
and eatin a chicken tender.
We different social status,
But both like mashed potatas.
I'll be there tomorrow night,
the dude with a two-piece white.


seeking man named Sergio

Is your name Sergio? My fiancé, Sergio, broke up with me and I have a huge tattoo of his name on my back. It is too expensive and painful to remove, so I am looking to fall in love with another Sergio. Please make sure that your name is spelled S-E-R-G-I-O.

The tattoo is very tasteful and beautiful. I know you will like it.

Attention World: I look hot today

Yes, it's true. I look really hot today, much hotter than my usual cute self. I have soared about the 80th percentile of cuteness where I usally reside, to the heights of hotness. It's gone well from the time I got up (a little early), and I have to say that I have only gotten hotter as the day has progressed. My skin is brighter, my hair more lustrous, and, dare I say it, my already fine-sized breasts seem to have increased in size over night. Do not be afraid to stare. I am hot.

Should you care to ask me out when you see me around today (which you will), please do not be disappointed when in a few days we meet for drinks and I have returned to my old self. My personality, I assure you, is still pretty fucking amazing.

Nice guy seeks tolerant woman (under 35)

I smoke. I do drugs. I drink. I have more infidelities than Clinton. I'm more fiscally irresponsible than Bush. I'm more absentminded than Reagan. I'm a bitch in the morning. I'm a nuisance at night. I brag about my shortcomings. I deny my talents. I'm paranoid. I'm insecure. I'm neurotic. I'm vulgar for the fun of it. I dish it out, but I can't take it. I won't try new things and I'll accuse you of the same. I'm still not over my last relationship. I'll fall in and out of love too quickly. I'll dislike your friends for what I'll assume you'll tell them. I'll hate your family for what they did to you. I'll want to sleep with your sister (but I probably won't). I despise children. I'll harbor a secret jealousy towards every man you ever meet (but I'll never show it, and THAT'S the maddening part). I'll coax you into trying things you don't want to do. I'll disappear for days without calling. I'll make promises I never intend to keep. I'll lie about where I was last night. I'll hint that maybe I'm gay. I'll take on strange obsessions then, months later, deny that I ever much cared. I'll expect sympathy, but never offer any. I'll frustrate you by never living up to my potential. I'll overexaggerate my potential. I'll scorn your ambition. I'll go out with friends and "forget" to invite you. I'll make inappropriate comments to your co-workers. I'll expect things that you can't possibly provide. I'll spoil myself, then tell you I'm broke. I'll hate your pets. I'll laugh at your heroes. I'll go out of my way to prove that you're wrong, then act like it's no big deal when I am.

Unfortunately for you, ladies, all in all I'm really not a bad catch.

Blonde girl with star tatoo in my bed this morning

Where did you come from? Did we have sex?

Please contact me.