The Oreo Personality Test

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their
personalities. Choose which method best describes your
favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each
bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with
some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No
one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4
billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way.
Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not
to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very
tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail
with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive
and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if
you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get
your work done quickly. You always have a million things to
do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and
suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you
good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up
beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and
rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total
denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a
propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have
a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking
things apart to find out how they work, though not always
able to put them back together, so you destroy all the
evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when
things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit
deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You
are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take
what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy,
selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be
ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got
yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from
small furry animals and seek professional medical help -
immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice
things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular
and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things
have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prim.

memo to walmart employees - nice cake

this has got to be the funniest internal memo ever.
READ HERE

This is what happens when Wal-Mart outsources to the lowest bidder who then hires ex-criminals at rock-bottom wages and proceeds to treat them like shit (no pun intended).

Welcome to the glorious capitalist republic.

INTJ - what are you?

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.
INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt


Introverted iNtuition
INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.
Extraverted Thinking
Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.

Introverted Feeling
Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.

don't eat the fish

Investigation Shows High Mercury Levels in Popular Fish - Barbara Rodgers

Watch the full report Tuesday (tonight) at 5pm on CBS 5.

• Is Your Fish Dinner Making You Sick?
• Report: Bay Recovering from Decades of Pollution
• Big Fish Eaters May Suffer from Mercury Poisoning

Libby Reilly has spent the last two years trying to get the poison out of her body.

"I found out I was toxic," she said. "My readings were off the chart."

Off the chart for methylmercury. Libby believes she ingested it by eating a steady diet of deep ocean fish --the same kind of fish Wendy Moro used to eat several days a week.

"I felt I was being poisoned," Wendy said. "My muscles ached."

CBS 5 teamed with the San Francisco Chronicle to test four popular species of fish for mercury: halibut, tuna, sea bass and swordfish -- all purchased from high-end fish markets around the Bay Area. The results were startling.

Only halibut contained less than the 38 micrograms of mercury the EPA recommends for a 120-pound person for an entire week. Not only was tuna higher than that limit, but sea bass had nearly twice that level, and swordfish had nearly six times the EPA's safe mercury intake for a week in a single serving.

While our test results are from a limited sample of fish -- and are no means definitive -- they do highlight a growing dilemma for consumers. Can you trust the government standards? Especially since up until now even top government watchdogs haven't been able to agree themselves, starting with how much fish is too much.

The Environmental Protection Agency (news - web sites) lists its safe amount for women either pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant at six ounces a week. But the Food and Drug Administration (news - web sites) okays twice that much -- 12 ounces.

Then consider an example from our test. If a single serving of swordfish already contains six times the EPA's level for a week, then you'd be eating three months worth if you followed the FDA's guideline. Confused? You're not alone.

"We use a different risk guidelines than the FDA does, and we have been trying to work with them for years now to standardize these guidelines so we can give a clear message to the American public on what's safe to eat," said the EPA's Leo Kay.

Until now, the message has been anything but clear. California has listed methylmercury as reproductive risk since the 1980's. But California grocery stores weren't forced to post warning signs until recently, after a lawsuit by the state. Some victims like Wendy are concerned they don't go far enough.

And with concerns ranging from muscle pain to prenatal issues, some fish eaters like Libby Reilly are cutting the larger species out of their diet all together. She's also now undergoing a new, alternative treatment called chelation -- which employs an IV containing agents meant to help the body flush mercury through the renal tract.

For the time being, doctors are advising consumers to eat a variety of fish -- mixing in smaller fish like salmon, shellfish, and scallops that don't tend to collect as much mercury as the larger species. As for the EPA and FDA -- they're expecting to finally issue unified guidelines by the first of the year.

KPIX

worst album

look at these "worst album covers ever". quite entertaining.

worst ablum covers ever

ebay internal memo

Read Ebay's most recent internal memo to employees:

New Quailty Assurance Measures Taking Place Immediately

I would like to notify you regarding the new quality measures that will take place. As you are aware, eBay strives to be the best in our business, and to ensure that our members receive the best possible customer service when contacting us. Starting in October, monitoring software will be installed on all company computers. This is not an effort to "spy" on your activities, but rather to allow our quality department to take screen shots of your computer, to allow them to better coach you regarding policy and procedures. Please keep in mind, all AOL Instant messager messages will be recorded, and all incoming and outgoing emails will also be affected. With this said, here are some guidelines that I would like you to follow:

1. No pornography sites should be accessed unless it is part of your job

2. No personal emails should be sent or received using company equipment

3. AOL Instant Messengers should be used for work related purposes only.

4. While working during business hours, no access to unrelated Internet sites is allowed under any circumstances.

Please remember that every action performed on your company computer will be recorded. Please act accordingly.

If you are caught viewing Internet sites that are not work related, you may suffer disciplinary action up to and including termination.

If you have questions regarding this new policy, please contact your supervisor, or lead.

[name removed]
eBay Manager

The US White House & Blocking Search Engines

~by Danny Sullivan

"At the end of last month, controversy erupted over the US White House preventing portions of its web site from being indexed by search engines. Was the White House doing this as a means to rewrite history unnoticed, or was it an innocent mistake?

At issue is the White House's robots.txt file, a long-standing mechanism used to tell search engines that certain material should not be indexed.

Keith Spurgeon has an excellent analysis of what happened. He outlines how sometime between April and late October of this year, the White House changed its robots.txt file to block access to many pages with the word "Iraq" in their URLs."

Get the Whole Scoop Here

arnold's mentality

Question to Conan
"Conan, what is great in life?"
Conan
"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!"

religion

"Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he loves you. And he needs money."
~ George Carlin

kimberlee

Kimberlee is fabulous... ... Kimberlee is on the cusp of stardom
Kimberlee is said to be a show stopper
Kimberlee is a kind and caring young lady and an excellent friend to her fellow Club members.
"Kimberlee is now one of them! She sucks the life out of people!!"
Kimberlee, is five and in an Inclusive Preschool Program and it has been wonderful for her.
Kimberlee is the 1,031st most popular female first name in the United States.
Kimberlee is SURGICO's customer service rep and many of you will have spoken to her on the phone.
Kimberlee is becoming a little lady among her group.
Kimberlee is one of the best group scenes in the tape
Kimberlee is an altogether avid big game fisherman.
Kimberlee is somewhat softer in bearing, given to earthier tones of olive and beige.
Kimberlee is hoping that Laura can be a part of her life for many years and she
looks forward to seeing Laura graduate from high school some day.
Kimberlee is 12 and lives in California.
Kimberlee is my youngest and she keeps you laughing. She is the one that gets into mischief all the time.
KIMBERLEE IS A PROFESSIONAL ESCORT ANY MONIES PAID TO HER IS FOR
HER TIME AS A COMPANION ONLY ANYTHING ELSE THAT MAY OCOUR IS OF CHOICE BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS THANK YOU.

non-angelenos

What is it about people that move to LA only to sit next to me and criticize the women here, the culture, the fakeness of it all, the traffic blah blah blah....if it is so bad then why are you living here and why do you think that I care to hear your insults and opinions about a place that formed who I am? Do you think I am going to agree?

diploma of universal inebriation-dui

Drinking Courses

DR 101, Introduction to Beer, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs
Corequisite: DR 101-L

Introductory course in directed drinking, intended primarily for freshmen escaping parental supervision for the first time. The four basic food groups (Budweiser, Miller, Heineken, and Coors) are investigated and compared. The physiology of beer, including bladder control, projectile vomiting. Staff.

DR 101-L, Introduction to Beer-Lab, 1 cr, 3 lab hrs

KEGGER!!! May be repeated for credit Staff.

DR 235, Drinking and the Environment, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Survey of the ecological effects of getting ’faced. Drinking and seamanship: When should a supertanker captain say "when"? Fraternity initiation binge drinking as social Darwinism. Alcohol and petroleum depletion, with special attention to the amount of inebriation necessary to make driving through downtown LA at 115 MPH seem like a good idea. Hazelwood, King.

DR 301, Intermediate Beer, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Corequisite: DR 301-L

A practical examination of the ethos of beer drinking. Drinking games as means of speeding intoxication, with special attention to Quarters, Shotgunning, and Hi Bob. Beer economics: six-packs, cases, or kegs? A sociological examination of the role of beer in Southwestern culture: Longnecks and rednecks. Staff.

DR 301-L, Intermediate Beer-Lab, 1 cr, 3 lab hrs

To-GA! To-GA! To-GA!... May be repeated for credit Staff.

DR 325, Aesthetics of Alcohol, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Why does the world look better through the bottom of a booze bottle? The role of liquor in allowing dull, ugly people to get dates is discussed. Why bad bar bands prefer to wait until the audience is half in the bag to begin playing. Includes an in-depth analysis of country music. Richards.

DR 334, Philosophy of Beer, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

The great questions of Western civilization as relates to getting snockered. Why is American beer like making love on the beach? Did the genesis of light beer literally involve incontinent goats? Can any man truly own beer, or does one merely rent it? What is truth when you are trying to buy beer with fake ID? Bailey.

DR 407, Ethanolpolitik, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Case studies of the role of alcohol in international government. The effect of vodka on pre- and post-communist Russian economic chaos. The importance of slivovitz (plum brandy) in the political stability of the Balkans. The course concludes with a detailed examination of 20th century French military history. Thompson.

DR 410, Gastromusicology, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

The art of the belch. Practical performance technique is emphasized; students are given private instruction to help develop timbre, endurance, and pitch. The methods of the masters are studied, with special attention to the early works of Belushi. In addition to a class concert, each student is required to give a solo recital; this recital must include one classical piece, one contemporary piece, and one selection from the compositions of Gilbert and Sullivan. McMahon

DR 499, Distinguished Speakers Series, 1 cr, 1 cl hrs

Lecture series featuring recognized experts in the field of alcohol absorption. Previous speakers have included Boris Yeltsin (honorary degree recipient), numerous members of the Kennedy family, and David Crosby’s original liver. To be announced.

grocery store strike - "L.A. is a Wal-Mart town. Get used to it."

Robert Greene from the LA Weekly wrote a great article regarding the Southern California grocery strike that has been taking place since Sunday. The strike is more than just grocery store employees requesting higher wages. It's a battle between the Wal-Mart super-power and the grocery stores.

"Pressure from Wal-Marts lower costs and grocery prices moved Ralphs, Vons and Albertsons to demand Southern California contract concessions from the United Food and Commercial Workers (UFCW), which responded this week with a strike vote. As grocery workers prepare to picket, their union, Councilman Eric Garcetti and the Los Angeles Alliance for a New Economy (LAANE) are readying an ordinance that would bar Wal-Mart from ever selling groceries in Los Angeles unless the virulently anti-union corporation takes the unlikely step of agreeing to pay its grocery workers a prevailing wage."

Read Entire Article Here

drunk bird

~Police Nab Vicious Crow by Getting It Drunk

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police apprehended a vicious crow which was attacking passers-by by getting it drunk on bait laced with alcohol, authorities said Monday.

The bird eluded its captors after attacking a woman and a young girl at the weekend until cat food soaked in high-alcohol fruit schnapps proved too tempting to resist.

"The crow was completely smashed," said a spokesman for police in the western city of Dortmund.

Police said the crow was sleeping off its hangover in a local animal home.

happy birthday libra

Today is my brother Eric's birthday, although he doesn't visit the internet ever, I'm still going to wish him a Happy one and also to all of you other Libra's out there celebrating your born on date.

Libra Horoscope for week of October 9, 2003

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about," wrote Libran Oscar Wilde, "and that is not being talked about." You won't have to worry about the latter problem in the next two weeks. The number of discussions about your character and behavior will probably exceed that of any other 14-day period in the past five years. Fortunately, the astrological indicators suggest that a relatively high percentage of the gossip flying around will be benevolent and even flattering. It will be a good time, therefore, for a marketing campaign or networking blitz.

From FreeWillAstrology

Study:

Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."

~www.theonion.com~

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)

what do you want more than anything?

Have you ever played the game of "Tell me the story of all your scars?"
It's best to do it when you want to break through to a deeper level of intimacy with a friend or loved one. "How'd you get that blotch on your knee?" he or she begins, and you describe the time in childhood when you fell out of a tree onto the sidewalk. Then maybe he or she says, "Why do you always look so sad when you hear that song on the radio?" And you narrate the tale of how it was playing when an old flame broke your heart. The questions and answers continue until you unveil the entire history of your hurts, both physical and psychic. You can achieve a miraculous healing in the presence of a good listener who is curious about your mysteries and skilled at helping you find redemption in your wounds.

~r o b b r e z n y

i want a kangaroo

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A kangaroo named Lulu was hailed a hero Monday for saving an unconscious Australian farmer by alerting the man's wife and leading her to where he lay trapped under a fallen tree branch.

Hero Kangaroo Saves Farmer

Hobby farmer Leonard Richards was checking for storm damage on his property at Tanjil South, 150 km (93 miles) east of Melbourne, Sunday morning when he was hit by a falling branch.

In a story reminiscent of the long-running Australian children's television series Skippy, in which a pet kangaroo rescued people in distress in the Australian bush, the kangaroo began barking until Richards' wife came to investigate.

She found her husband lying unconscious under a tree about 200 meters (650 feet) from the house, guarded by the gray kangaroo. Lulu was hand-reared by the Richards family, who rescued her from her mother's pouch and fed her on bottles after her mother was killed by a car about four years ago.

"Dad was totally out of it and Lulu was sitting by him in the bush making this really unusual yapping noise until Mum got there," Richards' 19-year-old son Luke told Reuters.

"It was so lucky. Dad could have been there for hours if it wasn't for her," he said.

Richards was taken to hospital with suspected head injuries but allowed home Sunday night.

Animal welfare group the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) called for Lulu to be nominated for its annual national bravery award.

"This award is given to animals who do something for humans of an exceptional nature and Lulu certainly has done that," national president Hugh Wirth told Reuters.

"Life is not counted by the amount of breaths we take, but of the moments that leave us breathless."

say what you mean

hours of entertainment here. super funny. super. funny? super? funny! um yeah, check it out.

type something in and a french computer voice will say it back to you

what type of eyes do you have?

Mysterious Eyes. All in the title. You're independent, secretive and mysterious. You appear cold and distant, but hey, at least no
one messes with you.


What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

moods

Take a look at the Mood Ring colors listed below, and what "mood" they represent. The colors are listed according to the change in temperature they represent, with dark blue being the warmest and black the coolest.

• Dark blue: Happy, romantic or passionate
  
• Blue: Calm or relaxed
  
• Blue-green: Somewhat relaxed
  
• Green: Normal or average
  
• Amber: A little nervous or anxious
  
• Gray: Very nervous or anxious
  
• Black: Stressed, tense or feeling harried
  

more info here

in other news...

Avg. American Eats 30 Lbs. Cheese a Year (Pizza is largely to behind the jump in cheese consumption.)
Read All About It

Microsoft Purchase Evil From Satan
Microsoft purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion after many months of tough negotiations.
Read All About It

Who is The Tampon Man?

Some people have been using the keywords "tampon string broke" to find this site so I thought that I should perhaps do a little research and supply these visitors with some useful information regarding this matter. Upon my initial research, I found an interesting site (with some very nice background music) that I thought I would share. Tampon Man. To quote the author: "This is a web sites "By the Tampon-man, For the Tampon-man, Of the Tampon-man"!". So there you go.

Ok but seriously, here is some real advice: Click Here.

I hope this helps. I am a little disappointed that The Tampon Man could not be of assitance in this matter. I guess he is in Japan, so he is probably busy.

K . Y . M . B . R . L . A

Alanis Morissette Random Lyric Generator

Alanis Morissette Random Lyric Generator

Aquarius Horoscope for week of August 21, 2003

Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" is one of the most highly regarded musical compositions in history. Yet the score disappeared and the work was never played for many years after Bach's death in 1750. In 1829, composer Felix Mendelssohn rediscovered the long-lost manuscript being used as wrapping paper in the estate sale of a deceased cheese salesman. He arranged for a public performance of the piece, and its revival began. In the coming week, Aquarius, I predict you'll have a taste of the amazed and confounded joy Mendelssohn must have experienced. In an unlikely place with seemingly low value, you will find a neglected treasure.

For all my fellow aquarians, enjoy!

TOP 5 "RANDOM" SEARCH REQUESTS

These are the search phrases people are using to find my site. Interesting AND disturbing all at the same time.
I think I'm going to start using these as subjects to write about.

Google: how to remove tampon string broke
Google: ladies night out debauchery
Google: depressing and negative sayings and quotes
Yahoo: pictures of women with facial hair
MSN Search: beaver shaved
Yahoo: "give me a facial"

Where Is Lisa?

no really, she was supposed to be here, but I think she ran away.

BROKEN MIRRORS

Use this: MIRROR: It is a symbol of vanity and superficiality. You may be concerned about your image and the way you present yourself to the world. Some say that if you see a clear image, you may be getting a glimpse of your true self. Broken mirrors always seem to be a sign of bad luck, or, at least, represent some distortions. On a deeper level the mirror can be considered to be a representation of the intellect. The intellect is an instrument of navigation and is constantly persuading us to identify ourselves. When we think about this, it makes a lot of sense. Our self-identity is very much connected to the way we look (not only superficially but also characteristically as man - woman, young - old, etc). We use this self-identity, which is greatly a production of our intellect, to navigate through life.

To interpret this:MY DREAM: I had a dream last night that there was a broken mirror in the trunk of a car and this faceless person of authority told me and another faceless female that one of us had to remove the broken mirror from the trunk of the car without using our hands. I used my teeth and grabbed the edge of one shard and all the pieces flew out of the trunk to the ground. Then I felt like I cheated because all of the broken pieces were actually connected to one another.

OUR TEACHERS

"One of the most radical discoveries [Gandhi] was to make in a lifetime of experimentation: in order to transform others, you have to transform yourself." -Eknath Easwaran in his biography of Mahatma Gandhi

"All that you are seeking is also seeking you," she writes. "If you sit still, it will find you. It has been waiting for you a long time. Once it is here, don't move away. Rest. See what happens next." Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book Women Who Run With the Wolves.

"Each of us is free to stoke the crematory fires of Buchenwald or nurse lepers in an African hospital." -Albert Camus

"Know what you want and all the universe conspires to help you achieve it." -Paulo Cuelho

"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." -Tom Robbins

"I carry a torch in one hand
And a bucket of water in the other:
With these things I am going to set fire to Heaven
And put out the flames of Hell
So that no one worships God
for fear of hell or greed of heaven."
-Rabia

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed it is the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Meade

"The hero has to awaken the sleeping images of the future, which can and must come forth from the night, in order to give the world a new and better face." -Ernst Barlach

"The only thing that can save humanity in the 21st century is for women to take over the management of the world." -Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"It's antithetical to the definition of power in this culture that a person might derive power by service rather than control, but that's the essence of midwifery." -midwife Elizabeth Davis.

"Statistically, the probability of any one of us being here is so small that you'd think the mere fact of existing would keep us all in a contented dazzlement of surprise." -Lewis Thomas in his book Lives of a Cell

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people." -George Bernard Shaw

"Pollution is nothing but resources we're not harvesting." -Buckminster Fuller

"Reality is what you can get away with." -Robert Anton Wilson

"The primordial fire that sparked millions of galaxies is the same fire that sparks the human creative impulse." -Cindy Spring, environmental activist

"One must have chaos within oneself if one is to be a dancing star." -Friedrich Nietzsche

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein

"Before we can receive the unbiased truth about anything, we have to be ready to ignore what we would like to be true." -Ann Davies

our teachers

This is such a funny song by a funny kid. The Superbowl is Gay...compliments of kYra

On a lighter note, this is a really funny article about chain restaurants in middle America, inspired by the episode in The Bachelor where Andrew Firestone is sitting with that one blonde girl (who was the funniest one on the whole show), the one who was always drunk, and after a long awkward silence, she asks Andrew what his favorite chain restaurant is. He doesn't reply because he can't think of a chain restaurant because he probably doesn't go to chain restaurants, so she volunteers that her favorite is "The Olive Garden".....Dooce writes the whole episode much more cleverly than I ever could.....Free Refills on Breadsticks!

I am not one to normally post or rant about my political views, however I must express my disgust at being force-fed the grotesque images of Saddam's dead sons all over the internet today. I went into My Yahoo!, which is my personalized version of the newspaper, only to see a horrible close-up image of a dead body. I had mixed feelings; half of me was sad, because I do not feel happiness in seeing death and the other half was disgusted and frightened, because a dead body is pretty disgusting and frightening no matter who it is. I couldn't even keep the page open because the picture was all I could see. I guess I'll have to read my news tomorrow when the picture isn't there. (hopefully)

The way the media and Rumsfield chose to display those images was barbaric and distasteful. As Rumsfield said, "...making the pictures public would help convince frightened Iraqis that Saddam's rule was over and that far outweighed any sensitivities over showing the corpses. " CLICK HERE

What this is is a weak attempt at validating this war. They have to have something to show for it because they sure as hell haven't come up with any weapons of mass destruction. AND, how does Saddam's sons being dead convince us that Saddam's rule is over? Saddam isn't dead.

I don't think its necessary to post the picture of a naked carcass all over the internet and newspapers. Instead of posting the picture couldn't they give us an option to view it? Like "click here to see the dead body"? What about the little kids that surf the internet and look at the pictures on the newspapers. Are we telling them that its OK to kill if you have a really good reason? If someone is REALLY bad, then you can kill them. What is up with that? Do we not think of the consequences of our actions anymore?

This is great! This mayor has declared it against the law for any man to be outside their home on Thursday nights. Only women are allowed out on those nights. That's what I call Ladies Night.


Curfew for Men on 'Ladies' Night'

MADRID (Reuters) - The mayor of a southern Spanish town has declared Thursdays "ladies' night" and says he will fine any man found strolling about town in the evening, in an attempt to encourage them to stay at home and do the chores.

A spokeswoman for recently elected Andalusian regional party mayor, Javier Checa, said on Thursdays from October, the streets would be the preserve of the town's women and a five euro ($5.67) fine would be slapped on any man found out and about.

The men of Torredonjimeno, a town of 14,000 people in the olive-growing province of Jaen in Spain's southernmost region, were not impressed by the attempt to tie them to the kitchen sink.


FULL ARTICLE HERE

Surf Fest 2003 - Saturday August 2

Its almost that time of year again in Manhattan Beach.

"The annual Surf Festival may be curiously named as it is primarily a whacky volleyball tournament, but it combines an outdoor athletics with a very loose atmosphere and an all-day/all-night party to make it the quintessential Manhattan Beach event.

World-class volleyball players, top college stars and disguised AVP pros don costumes as if it were Halloween. In addition to a loose attitude, they bring their incredible skills to a 6-man beach tournament. Among the teams were the "Lakers" in Afro wigs, French Maids, nurses and Abraham Lincolns."

The Deal is pretty much the same as last year. There will be three different options like last year:

Option A: Play all but 2 games; pays approx. $120

Option B: Play 2 games, pay approx. $100 (Only 7 slots)

Option C: Play no games but be part of the festivities, pay approx. $85.

Note: Approx. cost based on last year, may be less or more depending on how much sponsors step up and how many of decide to participate.

Option A is currently full.

Please email Eric Withee if you would like to participate this year.

Click here to see pictures from last year's event

Functional Alcoholism

By LEAH McLAREN
From Saturday's Globe and Mail

Most of my friends are alcoholics. I say this without judgment or
emotion, simply as a fact.

Drinking alcohol is what we do for fun in a group. We drink more nights
than we don't and we generally drink to get drunk. And in patio season
the imbibing often starts before noon. We think of it as drinking to
relax, wind down, get the social juices flowing or go to sleep, but
really this is just a roundabout way of saying we are drinking to get
drunk. According to every addiction pamphlet quiz I've ever filled out
in a waiting room, this qualifies all of us as alcohol dependent.
I once told a psychotherapist that I crave a cold martini after a
stressful day at work and she told me I'd probably be better off
medicating myself with a mild antidepressant like Zoloft. But Zoloft
apparently dampens the libido, so I decided I'd rather drink. In much
the same way that other people join volleyball leagues, prayer circles
or attend illegal dogfights at three in the morning in underground car
parks, my friends like to get drunk and talk.

For years I flattered myself into believing our conversations were
interesting, but my one or two abstaining (read: pregnant) friends tell
me this is not the case. This is the dirty trick of alcohol: It
encourages you to engage in the very activities it prevents you from
doing as well as you could two hours ago, i.e. before you absorbed four
vodka tonics into your bloodstream. These include conversation, dancing,
sex and driving - usually in that order. The point is, the sloppy
conversations I have with my friends are interesting to me, which, all
my good friends assure me (tipsily), is really the only thing that
matters.

But before you dismiss us as a bunch of hopeless dipsomaniacs - we do
exercise restraint. Most of us are well aware of the serious
consequences of drinking far too much on a regular basis, particularly
in the morning and at lunch. We call this a "drinking problem," the
biggest problem being, of course, that in the long run you will have to
either quit drinking or flush your life down the toilet - two equally
depressing options which, if you think about it, are tantamount to the
same thing.

And so, as with most recreational pastimes, there are strict rules of
engagement when it comes to functional alcoholism. Anyone who repeatedly
breaks a rule will, over time, find him or herself socially ostracized,
for the only thing a bunch of functional alcoholics resent more than the
company of a pious non-drinker (pregnant chicks excluded) is the
presence of an out-and-out drunk. Don't take it personally; it's a Ghost
of Christmas Future thing.

The major rules of functionality are as follows:

1) No throwing up, or at least not in public. No one wants to see their
friends puke, but rest assured that if you do, a true friend will hold
your hair away from your face and get you a glass of water. This is a
pretty easy rule to abide by, as most regular drinkers have, by their
mid-20s, discovered which drinks agree with them and which don't. This
is why most seasoned functionals demur when the tray of Jagermeister
arrives - shots are for amateurs.

2) For the sake of your companions, try to remain at least marginally
coherent. If you find yourself pissed to the point of slurring or
repeatedly repeating a "sooo funny" story no one is laughing at, it's
time to start staggering bedward. The problem is less that you're too
drunk, more that you're too boring. Boring drunks are about as uplifting
as the smell of overboiled cabbage in the hallway of an old age home.

3) Don't regularly initiate or get drawn into physical fights. As
entertaining as violence might seem in the moment, remember: Bar fights
are tacky. Better to verbally abuse your enemy, or, better yet, make out
with his girlfriend on the dance floor, though admittedly this approach
can often backfire and lead to a bar fight in the end anyway.

4) Don't drink and work. Unless you happen to be a bus driver, the
problem with drinking on the job is not so much an issue of performance
as self-defeat. The whole point of being a functional alcoholic is that
you are able to function remarkably well under the influence of alcohol.
Most British journalists I've met insist that alcohol makes absolutely
no difference to the quality of their work, and I tend to believe them.
The real problem with drinking on the job is that it obliterates the
reason for stopping work at the end of the day - so you can have a drink
- thereby ensuring that if you keep it up, you will undoubtedly
degenerate into a raving workaholic.

5) Respect your TUDs - pick them carefully. The TUD (totally unnecessary
drink) is an experience most non-Muslim, non-Mormon folks can relate to.
Things are going so well at the party, why don't we just go out for last
call? Now that we've closed the bar, why don't we stop into that
underground dance hall on the way home with the $20 door fee and the
terrible bar band? Now that we're here, we really ought to buy a bottle
of moonshine from the old lady with the hockey bag in the corner. Mix it
with a can of Pepsi and presto - a perfect TUD!

A friend of mine recently remarked that the point of the TUD is for
functional alcoholics to see what it's like to be a real drunk for a
night without descending into a prolonged fit of debauchery - sort of
like addiction tourism. The downside is that the TUD is a complete
experience: The morning after you will find out what it's like to be a
non-functioning alcoholic with a hangover. Ain't pretty.

SOME QUOTES TO PONDER

Success

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby (1937 - )

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan (1941 - )

The person who makes a success of living is the one who see his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication.
Cecil B. DeMille (1881 - 1959)

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Christopher Lasch

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957)

The man of virtue makes the difficulty to be overcome his first business, and success only a subsequent consideration.
Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC), The Confucian Analects

Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.
David McCullough (1933 - )

Success in business requires training and discipline and hard work. But if you're not frightened by these things, the opportunities are just as great today as they ever were.
David Rockefeller (1915 - )

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.
Dr. David M. Burns

Enemies

The shaft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.
Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC), The Eagle and the Arrow

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.
Ali ibn-Abi-Talib (602 AD - 661 AD), A Hundred Sayings

Above all things, never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you at that very moment.
Andre Maurois (1885 - 1967)

Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults.
Antisthenes (445 BC - 365 BC)

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
Baltasar Gracian

I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn't dare to make an enemy should get out of the business.
Bette Davis (1908 - 1989), The Lonely Life, 1962

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
Eddie Cantor (1892 - 1964)

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.
Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

I was reading in the July Issue of ELLE Magazine that there are (and have been) documented studies that prove that oral contraceptives (the pill) are really not so good for women.

To quote:
"While researchers know that oral contraceptives (OCs) can cause depression and loss of libido in some women, as with SSRIs, they're still not exactly sure why. The best guess is that it has something to do with testosterone. OCs work by supplying the body with enough synthetic estrogen and progesterone to mimic pregnancy, overriding a woman's own reproductive hormones and shutting down the ovaries. As a result, testosterone levels, which are mostly maintained by the ovaries, dip. I n a normally ovulating woman, only about 2 percent of testosterone is active,with the rest neutralized by sex-hormone binding globulin (SHBG), a protein the liver produces in response to estrogen levels. This gives women enough testosterone for a healthy sex drive but not so much that they develop male characteristics like facial hair. But the estrogen boost from the Pill creates even more SHBG than normal, binding up nearly all of a woman's active testosterone. Also, there's a testosterone surge before ovulation, which probably accounts for the upswing in libido many women experience midcycle (and it makes evolutionary sense for you to be most into it when you're most fertile). Women on the Pill miss out on that surge.

Some experts say clinicians don't tell patients about the possible emotional and sexual side effects of OCs for fear of creating the effect by mentioning it. Others, such as John Bancroft, the director of the Kinsey Institute and a coauthor of the above study, believe the mum's-the-word attitude about depression and the Pill is a blind spot borne out of admiration for the drug's many benefits. I think there's a mind-set that doesn't want to recognize the negative effects of OCs, Bancroft says. But it seems very sexist. There's no question that when anyone tests an OC for men, they ask, 'Will it affect men's sexuality?

...for single women on the Pill or for women who met their partner while on it, there's an even darker caveat: Emerging science suggests that OCs might actually change who we're attracted to and interfere with our evolutionary ability to choose an optimal genetic mate to reproduce with. It seems the natural ebb and flow of our hormones plays a role in the mating dance, and messing with Mother Nature could lead not only to an increased risk of infertility but also to women finding, when they go off the Pill, that they aren't as attracted to their mate as they once were.

Can you almost hear the collective scream of 10.4 million Pill users?"

Read the Entire Article Here

What is Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS)?

Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) is now widely recognised as a medical condition that affects some women of childbearing age in many ways.
Premenstrual Syndrome is related to menstrual hormones and can present itself with physical and psychological symptoms.

There are over 150 symptoms associated with PMS and the number and type of symptoms suffered varies from person to person. The severity of the symptoms can also vary each month. Among the most commonly experienced are:

bloating, headaches, irritability
weight gain, skin problems, mood swings & depression
aggression, fatigue, breast tenderness
poor concentration, tearfulness, the feeling of being misunderstood

Others include:

tension, anger, anxiety, panic attacks, mental confusion, sinus problems, asthma, epilepsy, styes, acne, alcohol abuse, craving for sweet things, binge eating and backache.

what's with that halo hovering
above that thick skull
spare me
if I do say so - I think you're covering
'course there was nothing
could've prepared me

for the side effect of this dirty drug
the way you punish me and then you shrug

what's with that phone call, baby
it's like you're trying
just trying to crush me
do you feel stronger each time you push me, dear
did you tell your mom you carpet bombed
before you left here

and is it just the side effect of this dirty drug
or does each apology sound more like a shrug

are you at home now with your kitty cats
are you just at home now with the way that you act
do you split the rent there with all your secrets
or do you just pretend to all your friends
they're uninvited guests

yes and when you want it tidy tell me
can you still dispel me
sweep me neatly under the rug
does your conscience ever mention
the way that you treat me
or do you just fend it off with a ...
shrug

ani difranco - SHRUG

SHOCKER!

Britney Spears Says She's Not a Virgin
Tue Jul 8, 4:47 PM ET


LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Pop princess Britney Spears (news) has admitted that she had sex with former boyfriend Justin Timberlake despite once vowing to remain a virgin until she wed.


...if you really want more....

Ani DiFranco is pretty much all I've been listening to the past 3 weeks or so, I often do that with my CDs...go for bouts on just one for weeks at a time until I put it back in its case for a bout a year. For some reason I never tire of Ani though.....


VIRTUE - Ani DiFranco

virtue is relative at best
there's nothing worse than a sunset
when you're driving due west
and i'm afraid that my love
is gonna come up short
there is no there there
i guess i'm scared
cuz i want to have good news to report
every time i come up for air

now i'm cruising through a chromakey blue sky
and i know that in an hour or three
the sun is gonna be in my eyes
and i know that sometimes all i can see
is how i feel
like the whole world is on the other side
of a dirty windshield
and i'm tryin to see through the glare
yes i'm struggling just to see what's there

the one person who really knows me best
says i'm like a cat
yeah the kind of cat that you just can't pick up
and throw into your lap
no, the kind that doesn't mind being held
only when its her idea
yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel
when she is good and ready to feel it

and now i am prowling through the backyard
and i am hiding under the car
i have gotten out of everything
ive gotten into so far
i eat when i am hungry
and i travel alone
and just outside the glow of the house
is where i feel most at home

but in the window you sometimes appear
and your music is faint in my ears

JUKEBOX - Ani DiFranco

in the jukebox of her memory
the list of names flips by and stops
she closes her eyes
and smiles as the record drops

then she drinks herself up and out
of her kitchen chair
and she dances out of time
as slow as she can sway
for as long as she can say
this dance is mine
this dance is mine

her hair bears silent witness
to the passing of time
tattoos like mile markers
map the distance she has gone
winning some, losing some
she says my sister still calls every sunday night
after the rates go down
and i can never manage to say anything right
my whole life blew up
and now its all coming down

and she says leave me alone
tonight i just wanna stay home
she fills the pot with water
she drops in the bone
she says, i've got a darkness that i have to feed
i've got a sadness
that grows up around me like a weed
and i'm not hurting anyone
i'm just spiraling in
as she closes her eyes
and hears the song begin again

she appreciates the phone calls
the consoling cards and such
she appreciates all the people
who come by and try to pull her back in touch
they try to hold the lid down tightly
and they try to shake well
but the oil and water
just want to separate themselves

she drinks herself up and out of her kitchen chair
and she dances out of time
as slow as she can sway
for as long as she can say
this dance is mine
this dance is mine
this dance is mine

Righteous Babe Records

You must visit this site: Pandaemonium

It chronicles two friends' adventures at sea. They set out from San Francisco on March 22 and their goal is to sail around the world. It includes pictures and a journal as well as a map of their journey. If you want to receive email updates from them notifying you when they update the site you can do that as well. They also have a spot where you can text message them while they are sailing. Very cool.

Who is Chris

Chris : is Sun like BORG?
Chris Is Tan
Chris is hiding! Chris is hiding!
Chris is Thinking Ahead ... Fishing Instinctively
Chris showed he's a hands-on man when he treated Claire to a massage.
Chris is getting ready top leave Bali.
Chris is a grandpa!
Chris is booted out of I'mA Celeb jungle!
Chris is HOTT!!! What?!?!?
Chris is eating a sandwich behind the bar.
Chris is Untouchable.
Chris is on the Move Again...
Chris is a vicar. Almost all vicars are men. (probably) Chris is a man.

I was tired of the old format so I'm making some changes....any additional creative ideas are welcome.

will trade this awesome rock for a new piano



this rock is totally awesome... i found it the other day and it sparkles a lot... i thik its great I threw it at a wall and it didnt break... Normaly i would keep my rock and enjoy it myself but i need a piano badly so i am willing to trade.

Please don't change Kraft Mac-n-Cheese

Kraft to Revamp Products: Cites Obesity
Tue Jul 1,12:30 PM ET

By Deborah Cohen

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Kraft Foods Inc., the biggest U.S. maker of processed foods, on Tuesday said it would cap portion sizes, eliminate marketing in schools and reformulate some products as the food industry faces increasing legal blame for obesity and unhealthy eating trends.

My mood ring is green, it was dark blue this morning and amber this afternoon. I'm still trying to figure out what the colors mean. Of course its all regulated by my internal heat but what is causing my internal heat to change....I should have read the coder sheet before I left the store. OH well I'll figure it out, its only been day one of the mood ring. If anyone knows about what the colors mean please shoot me an email.

I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life and who is important and what is important. Of course I have my immediate people and things of importance. There are the day-to-day things I need to do to keep my life in order and I do them, grudgingly, which is probably why my life always feels like it is on the verge of chaos (and sometimes I wish it would) Then there are all the other things that are important, family and friends. Actually those are the three primary things of importance not necessarily in order: work, family & friends, well actually that is in the right order and that is part of the problem. Isn't there more to life than that? Shouldn't I be doing more? Why do I feel like my life lacks importance? These are hypothical of course, questions I ask myself constantly. Does anyone feel content, is there something I'm missing? What AM I searching for? Is it someone or something or someplace?

Now my mood ring is amber.

Why Don't You...

"Writer's block is the temporary paralysis caused by the conviction, on an unconscious level,
that what the writer is attempting is in some way fraudulent, or mistaken, or self-destructive."

- novelist Joyce Carol Oates

i have plenty of time...

80 Year Old Woman Pregnant

When Khurshid Bibi, 80, felt pain in her abdomen, she visited Doctor Fatima Suraiya. Suraiya gave her an ultrasound and found that the woman was four months pregnant.
When Bibi found out, she worried about what she would tell her family, not to mention being surprised by the pregnancy. Her and her husband only have one child, a daughter that was born a year after they married in 1950.

so I'm sitting here thinking, time to add something new to the site, something that you will find interesting. I think I'll tell you what this site means, what purpose it serves. I wasn't sure at first, but I have been thinking about it's theme lately and have come to this. each day I wake up, my mood is different. within that day, each hour my mood is different. all of these mood changes that take place inside of me are subtle, I usually don't express them. Therefore, the information on this site, blog whatever we are calling it is reflective of my mood on that day at that time. Sometimes funny, sometimes thoughful, philosophical, sarcastic - you get the idea. i've decided that i'm going to start my adventure of adding some personal tidbits such as this, although i'm a bit shy about writing personal thoughts when I have no idea who is reading them. so bare with me, or is it bear with me...as i'm going to start adding my own personal thoughts to the world wide web. baby steps, baby steps. and feel free to send me an email if you'd like to know my random thoughts on any subject in particular and i'll address them here. i'm going to try to keep it light as life is too serious to be too serious.

You were drinking a Slim Fast, I was playing the Tuba.

You thought I was a street preformer and threw a quarter into my tuba. I yelled and then laughed. I said I thought you were'nt fat. You explained you were not drinking the delicious nutrisious Slim Fast brand Dietary drink because you thought you were fat , but because the unique blend of vanilla and vitamins and minerals in a delicious nutrisious Slim Fast brand Dietary drink stopped 'Them' from being able to find you. I called you a fat , crazy bitch and you kicked me in my tuba, OUCH, and ran off...who are you I can't get you out of my head. I was wrong about you being crazy because after you ran off..."they" followed you in a black sedan. call me :

Dead gopher, wrapped in porn.

Friday night at Dr. Bombay's, a night like any other Friday night at Dr. Bombay's. Bouncy DJ playing 80's music, sullen tiny lesbian playing pool with her gawky date, overdressed couple swatting at the pinball machine.

Our party was winding down, most had left, and the birthday girl was getting tired. You all burst in, full of energy and liquor and noise. For reasons I still don't totally understand, you were tearing up a porn magazine, and sticking bits of it onto the walls while your drinks were ordered.

You sat at the table next to us, giggling and shrieking and generally being obnoxious, which was fine for a Friday night at Dr Bombay's (a night like any other Friday night at Dr. Bombay's). Until I saw it.

A tube, made up of a page or two of the remains of the porn mag, the only whole pages left, as best I can tell, besides the close-up-shaved-beaver montage that the cute blonde girl had pinned to her chest; a tube, with tiny animal feet sticking out of one end. I leaned over to your table, "What's that?"

One of you unrolled the tube, revealing the remains of the poor creature, a small, dead gopher, wrapped in porn, and somehow turned into the mascot of your Friday night at Dr. Bombay's (you know the drill). What was the meaning? Why had you decided to bring your cat's fresh kill out drinking? Was there something deeper going on that I simply didn't understand in my end-of-evening haze? Did I miss that it was 'Bring Your Own Dead Rodent' night?

All of these questions were churning around in my head in a kind of inchoate muddle, when the rest of my party, mumbling things about how late it was getting, and whether we could all fit in a cab, and shouldn't someone call the health department, bundled me up and we all wandered out the door.

My last glance back at your table left me with two impressions -- the really drunk girl with the crotch photos pinned to her chest was, in fact, pretty cute, and the guy across the table from her was, in fact, swinging by the tail, a dead gopher, wrapped in porn.

Random News

...and in York, Pa., trial is nearing for Matthew Turner, 22, who was arrested last year after pursuing a man for his adrenal gland, which he thought would bring a week-long high if licked or eaten; allegedly, he had stabbed the man in the side, and when the man escaped, Turner chased him relentlessly through town, knife drawn, until police caught him. [Daily Telegraph, 4-10-03] [York Daily Record, 4-30-03]

CRAIGSLIST SINGLES LISTINGS

A six year old has a crush on me

and she leaves these adorable little crayon drawings outside my apartment door. If we pass each other on the building stairs she does this little startled freeze-crouch thing, like she's going to run away or jump but can't decide which. I think this city would be so much cooler if everybody who had crushes adopted the freeze-crouch as a way of letting their crush know.

I'd be happy being single, except for one thing...

Bread.

If there's one kind of food I love the most, it's bread. Sweet buttermilk, sourdough, bread with stuff in it, bread with stuff on it...bread. And while processed, preservative-laden Wonderbread has a starchy charm all its own, the best bread is the snobby artisan varieties. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the rosemary bread from Whole Foods is my favorite bread in the city. Mmmmm.

So why does rosemary bread make me sad about being single? It's because even though I make a conscious effort to finish it, I always end up throwing away part of the loaf. There's only so much bread a single girl can consume in the few fleeting days before it goes fuzzy. Don't lecture me about freezing half the loaf, mom. That ruins the texture and I will not even consider it.

Maybe one day I will find someone to help me finish my loaves in a timely manner.

was he a pirate?

Hey, guys, could use your advice about this. I was dating this guy for a few weeks, but it always felt like something was just a little "off." I finally broke it off with him, but I felt bad doing it.

After discussing it with some co-workers, they suggested that he might have been a pirate. All of a sudden it became clear: the eye-patch, the wooden leg, the way he always had that giant parrot perched on his shoulder. I realized every time he'd kiss me goodnight he would wink and then whisper, "Arrrrr, matey! I had a great time tonight!" His recurring struggle with rickets was troubling to me, too. And during our break-up talk, he became upset and yelled "Avast ye, wench!" and covered his teary eyes with a dirty, red and white striped handkerchief.

What do you think? Was I dating a pirate?

Superglue Lesbian

You had stopped the bleeding. I have no idea how you got that deep gash on your thumb, it made me queasy but what you did next strangely aroused me! You pulled a tube of superglue from your bag and applied it directly. You pinched the wound shut and blew on it for a moment. Then as if it had not bothered you for a second you fished a tin of lipbalm from your pocket and smoothed your lips. I can't believe you didn't notice me starring at you. You were tall and somewhat boyish, but with an incredibly feminine face and porcelin skin. It gnaws at me, why did you have superglue in your bag? I've spent all morning speculating about it's other contents, filterless cigarretes, mascara, a leatherman tool! I imagine you as a younge girl scout, chopping wood under the direction of some grizzled old woman in a green polyeseter uniform. I have no doubt that if your arm was trapped in the closing subway door, you could amputate it to survive using nothing but perhaps a tampon string, like some kind of lesbian MacGyver (without the mullet, are you too good to be true?) In my mind we've already had our first date, after dinner you rewire my entertainment system and then give me a facial.

I saw you at Popeyes


I saw you at Popeyes.
You had some sexy thighs
You lookded really nice.
You ate some beans and rice.
I smiled but you missed it.
You was eatin a biscuit.
I wish you would've saw,
but you was eatin cole slaw,
and lookin out the winder'
and eatin a chicken tender.
We different social status,
But both like mashed potatas.
I'll be there tomorrow night,
the dude with a two-piece white.

-ThreePieceWhiteASmallColdDrinkSomeRedBeansABiscuitAndSmallFries

seeking man named Sergio

Is your name Sergio? My fiancé, Sergio, broke up with me and I have a huge tattoo of his name on my back. It is too expensive and painful to remove, so I am looking to fall in love with another Sergio. Please make sure that your name is spelled S-E-R-G-I-O.

The tattoo is very tasteful and beautiful. I know you will like it.

Attention World: I look hot today

Yes, it's true. I look really hot today, much hotter than my usual cute self. I have soared about the 80th percentile of cuteness where I usally reside, to the heights of hotness. It's gone well from the time I got up (a little early), and I have to say that I have only gotten hotter as the day has progressed. My skin is brighter, my hair more lustrous, and, dare I say it, my already fine-sized breasts seem to have increased in size over night. Do not be afraid to stare. I am hot.

Should you care to ask me out when you see me around today (which you will), please do not be disappointed when in a few days we meet for drinks and I have returned to my old self. My personality, I assure you, is still pretty fucking amazing.

Nice guy seeks tolerant woman (under 35)

I smoke. I do drugs. I drink. I have more infidelities than Clinton. I'm more fiscally irresponsible than Bush. I'm more absentminded than Reagan. I'm a bitch in the morning. I'm a nuisance at night. I brag about my shortcomings. I deny my talents. I'm paranoid. I'm insecure. I'm neurotic. I'm vulgar for the fun of it. I dish it out, but I can't take it. I won't try new things and I'll accuse you of the same. I'm still not over my last relationship. I'll fall in and out of love too quickly. I'll dislike your friends for what I'll assume you'll tell them. I'll hate your family for what they did to you. I'll want to sleep with your sister (but I probably won't). I despise children. I'll harbor a secret jealousy towards every man you ever meet (but I'll never show it, and THAT'S the maddening part). I'll coax you into trying things you don't want to do. I'll disappear for days without calling. I'll make promises I never intend to keep. I'll lie about where I was last night. I'll hint that maybe I'm gay. I'll take on strange obsessions then, months later, deny that I ever much cared. I'll expect sympathy, but never offer any. I'll frustrate you by never living up to my potential. I'll overexaggerate my potential. I'll scorn your ambition. I'll go out with friends and "forget" to invite you. I'll make inappropriate comments to your co-workers. I'll expect things that you can't possibly provide. I'll spoil myself, then tell you I'm broke. I'll hate your pets. I'll laugh at your heroes. I'll go out of my way to prove that you're wrong, then act like it's no big deal when I am.

Unfortunately for you, ladies, all in all I'm really not a bad catch.


Blonde girl with star tatoo in my bed this morning

Where did you come from? Did we have sex?

Please contact me.

Meditation Shown to Light Up Brains of Buddhists

Wed May 21, 2003 02:47 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Buddhists really are happy, calm and serene people -- at least according to their brain scans.

Using new scanning techniques, neuroscientists have discovered that certain areas of the brain light up constantly in Buddhists, which indicates positive emotions and good mood. This happens at times even when they are not meditating.

"We can now hypothesize with some confidence that those apparently happy, calm Buddhist souls one regularly comes across in places such as Dharamsala, India, really are happy," Professor Owen Flanagan, of Duke University in North Carolina, said Wednesday.

Dharamsala is the home base of exiled Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama.

The scanning studies by scientists at the University of Wisconsin at Madison showed activity in the left prefrontal lobes of experienced Buddhist practitioners. The area is linked to positive emotions, self-control and temperament.

Other research by Paul Ekman, of the University of California San Francisco Medical Center, suggests that meditation and mindfulness can tame the amygdala, an area of the brain which is the hub of fear memory.

Ekman discovered that experienced Buddhists were less likely to be shocked, flustered, surprised or as angry as other people.

Flanagan believes that if the findings of the studies can be confirmed they could be of major importance.

"The most reasonable hypothesis is that there is something about conscientious Buddhist practice that results in the kind of happiness we all seek," Flanagan said in a report in New Scientist magazine.

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 22, 2003

You're entering puberty again! Congrats! It'll be on a higher octave than last time, so you'll have more savvy to deal
with the hormonal rush. To facilitate this unpredictable foray into serious goofiness, I'm happy to present you with
the wisdom of sixth grade girls I know, gleaned from sayings they've scrawled on their backpacks and binders. Enjoy.

Understand the groove. Learn as if you'll live forever. Explain yourself wildly, not carefully. Wake up -- but not too fast,
or you might hurt yourself. Question authority, including the authority that told you to question authority.
It's all so funny -- how can you not be laughing? When you shout "halaluya," never spell it right.
Live the freakiest truth. Give me chocolate or I'll scream.

*********************************************************************************************************
...for my virgo friends....

Virgo Horoscope for week of May 22, 2003

Your sense of mission should be heating up, Virgo. Your tribe needs you more than usual.
Your potential is ripening at the same time it is becoming most useful to your cohorts.
But wait: That doesn't mean your path will be effortless in the coming weeks.
There will be adversaries and agents of confusion you'll have to outwit.
In order to be a radiant instigator of beauty and truth for your allies and a cagey master of strategy
when dealing with your competitors, I recommend the paradoxical approach Jesus described:
Be as pure and harmless as a dove and as wise as a serpent.

...for the fish....

Pisces Horoscope for week of May 22, 2003

A German woman who recently died bequeathed her nephew $275,000. Trouble is,
he's a homeless man who wanders around a lot. Executors of the woman's
will have not yet been able to locate him. This resembles a situation in your own life,
Pisces. Even now, a rich source of blessings is trying to track you down and attract your attention.
So far you've been oblivious. Let's hope you wake up to the presence of the gift very soon.

I am allergic to dogma. I don't trust any idea that requires me to believe in it absolutely.
There are very few things about which I am totally certain.
The sweet stuff that quenches all of your longing is not far away in some other time and place.
It's right here and right now.
Earth is crammed with heaven. - Robert Breszny

****************************************************************************************************

Are you strong enough to live without answers: as a flaming inquiry into the truth?

The following passage is from an essay in praise of asking questions rather than hoarding answers.
It was written by A.H. Almaas, and is available in its entirety HERE

from "The Flame of The Search"
by A.H. Almaas

How do you know that the knowledge you get from others is the truth? How do you know that
your teachers, or even the great philosophers, have the answer that is appropriate for you?
Christ says to love your neighbor. Do you really know that that is what you need to do?
Buddha says that enlightenment is the best thing. How do you know that is what you need?

Some people say you have to learn to be yourself. It sounds good. Some people say you
should be free from your personality and develop your Essence. It sounds great.
How do you know it will resolve your situation? You don't really know whether any of these
ideas are relevant or true for you. You can't know with certainty until you have experimented
and learned from your own experience.

Until then your action is based on faith or belief If you assume unquestioningly that what someone
else says is the truth, your inner flame will be extinguished. You will believe that you have
answered questions when you haven't answered them; someone else has. And they haven't
answered them for you, but for themselves. We comfort ourselves by believing that others know,
and that we can use their knowledge. It's a very comforting thought; it encourages us to be lazy.
We comfort ourselves by saying to ourselves, "Somebody knows, and in time I'll get around to studying it.
It's already known and always available to me."

But do you, yourself, really know in your heart what is supposed to happen? Do you ever allow
yourself to question, to have a burning question--and not put out the flame quickly with the first
answer that you hear? You put out the flame so that you can
return to your sense of comfort and security.

Someone tells you that it's good to pay attention, to be aware. When you try it, it helps a little--but
you still don't know whether it's the answer. You don't know whether it will actually resolve your situation.
And if you believe you know, you're lying to yourself.

You need to keep the question alive while you investigate for yourself.

MORE

hmm....

AQUARIUS
Mon May 19, 2003 by Astrology.com
Mysteries and enigmas drive you to distraction, but there's really very little you can do to make the situation any less frustrating. You're just going to have to accept things for what they are, because it might be a long time before you get any kind of rational explanation. Sure, you can go in search of the answers somewhere else, but there's bound to be red tape just about everywhere you turn. It might help to take a more methodical, disciplined approach, but even then nothing is guaranteed.

No, really?

Science Confirms: Politicians Lie
Mon May 19,11:06 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - After intensive research, scientists have concluded that politicians lie.

In a study described in Britain's Observer newspaper, Glen Newey, a political scientist at Britain's University of Strathclyde, concluded that lying is an important part of politics in the modern democracy.

I smoke and I drink
and everytime I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I'm proud of the fact
that I'm worse than I say

What kind of paradise am I looking for
I have everything and still I want more
Maybe some tiny, shiny key
will wash up on the shore...

- Ani DiFranco

AT THIS PARTY



I don't want to be the only one here

Telling all the secrets --



Filling up all the bowls at this party,

Taking all the laughs.



I would like you

To start putting things on the table

That can also feed the soul

The way I do.



That way

We can invite



A hell of a lot more

Friends.



************************************************



THE DISEASE OF MATERIALISM

from Jacob Needleman's The American Soul



Our world, so we see and hear on all sides, is drowning in materialism, commercialism, consumerism. But the problem is not really there. What we ordinarily speak of as materialism is a result, not a cause. The root of materialism is a poverty of ideas about the inner and outer world. Less and less does our contemporary culture have, or even seek, commerce with great ideas, and it is that lack that is weakening the human spirit. This is the essence of materialism. Materialism is a disease of the mind starved for ideas.



Great ideas are always part of a living system of ideas, all of which are necessary for the full understanding of any one of them. When we speak of the "idea of America," we are speaking of many interconnected ethical, social, and metaphysical ideas, which all together offered hope to the world. The idea of America, with all that it contained within it about the moral law, nature, God and the human soul, once reflected to some extent the timeless, ancient wisdom that has guided human life since the dawn of history.



America was a new and original expression, in the form of a social and political experiment, of ideas that have always been part of what may be called the great web of Truth. Explicitly and implicitly, the idea of America has resonated with this ancient, timeless wisdom and has allowed something of its power to touch the heart and mind of humanity. It is necessary to recover this resonance, this relationship, however tenous and partial, between the teachings of wisdom and the idea of America.



All the rights guaranteed by the Constitution were based on a vision of human nature that calls us to be responsible -- responsible to something within ourselves that is higher than the all-too-human desires for personal gain and satisfaction; higher than the dictates of the purely theoretical or logical mind; higher than the instinctive loyalties to family and tribe.



We need to rediscover the deeper, "mythic meaning" of our nation. We need ideas; but we need ideas expressed in ways that touch our feelings of wonder and the sense of the sacred.



Many of us may think of myth as something opposed to fact, as falsehood or superstition. But in the root meaning of the word, the great myths of mankind are representations of cosmic and spiritual ideas, expressed in a way that touches the deeper springs of the mind -- the intelligence of the heart.



The mythic world does not exclude the world of concrete, everyday reality, but includes a greater awareness of the paradox of human existence...a reflection of the mystery of the two levels within human nature -- the divinity within man joined to the all-too-human. We need to reclaim our mythic symbols before they are destroyed by narrow "realism" or naïve "idealism." We need to reclaim them in a way that corresponds to what is necessary for us now in our own era.



Ideas communicated through myth show us a world that is perceived through the vision of wonder, love of truth, and the sense of the sacred, the impulse to serve and to participate in a greater reality----what we may call the inner world.These myths live in our subconscious, and we need to let them come forward and act upon us again. As it is, they are now being covered by a foolish realism that sees only "facts" of the outer world and is blind to the laws of the inner world...



Democracy in its specifically American form was created to allow men and women to seek their own higher principle within themselves. Without that inner meaning, democracy becomes, as Plato and Aristotle pointed out 2500 years ago, a celebration of superficiality.



We need to re-mythologize the idea of America.



MORE….



***************************************************

107th Boston Marathon

At 3:22:03 PM, Jennifer Finished

Pace: 0:07:16
Official Finish Time: 3:16:19
Chip Finish Time: 3:10:36

Change

"If you could change anything in your life would you?" asked the girl....
"No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't change a thing." replied her friend.
"...not one thing? not just one single thing?, the girl asked again.
"You can't change one thing without changing everything."

PMS

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to
be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat
jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Updated Employee Handbook - Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management

AQUARIUS - Sign of the Water Bearer

Because the person in the Aquarian symbol is shown pouring liquid from a jug, some people conclude that Aquarius must be a water sign. In fact though, the water is symbolic, representing nectar drawn from the fountain of inner wisdom. Aquarius is an air sign. It's mission, and therefore yours is to enlighten and inform.

What makes an Aquarian tick?

Most people form their opinions from a 'gut reaction'. First they 'feel' something, then they rationalise their experience. For Aquarians, this process works in reverse. Thus, most of the time, these people are cool and level headed. Their feelings are strong and deep, but it takes a lot to stir them up. They reserve their tears and temper for the defence of a utopian vision. Each Aquarian longs to make the world a better place. As few people understand this sort of motivation, Aquarians are often thought of as unpredictable, eccentric or just plain odd! Their ability to swing from laughter to stern sobriety at a moments notice doesn't help either! Their ruling planet is Uranus. Prior to the discovery of this planet, Aquarians were ruled by Saturn.

WHO IS JULES?

WHO IS JULES?

Jules is in the house
Jules is Addictive
Jules is playing on TV
Jules is awesome
Jules is bright, fresh and minimal
Jules is a former Elite model
Jules is not someone you forget
Jules is the aristocrat of the Bear Noels
Jules is seemingly maturing
Jules is massive
Jules is a musician and damn fine singer songwriter
Jules is exceptionally affectionate
Jules is full of hope and joy
Jules is very strong, and full of good-spirits
Jules is wise
Jules is still quite anxious
Jules is a nickname for Souleymane
Jules is Wild On Key West
Jules is the hottest spot to hit downtown
Jules is a registered Psychiatric Nurse
Jules is a handsome New Zealand bunny
Jules is a very good friend of mine
Jules is getting bigger
Jules is just about uncontrollable
Jules is head over heels in love
Jules is available by telephone or email for hourly sessions
Jules is truly an icon
Jules is only a century old
Jules is on a local semi-pro women's soccer team
Jules is set to continue the party
Jules is at a loss
Jules is a tall sexy beautiful brunette vixen
Jules is as ruthless as her father
Jules is a real person who is an Independent Business Woman
Jules is an outdoor enthusiast

WHO IS SHELLEY?

WHO IS SHELLEY?

Shelley is dead. long live Shelley Shelley is dead. Shelley is a.... Swan. Shelley is a modest but necessary attempt to assure a healthy classroom environment for California's school children. Shelley is lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a few gizmos and looking pissed off. Shelley is often thought of as the quintessential Romantic poet. Shelley is no exception to the rule. Shelley is "a man of genius". Shelley is unnecessarily cruel. Shelley is such a good girl. ... Shelley is *not* shy or timid -- she's just quiet. Shelley is a living example of how the human spirit can never be defeated. Shelley is a Trademark of Heidelberger Druckmaschinen. Shelley is bright, articulate, and a dedicated public servant. Shelley is a project characterized by the perverse determination to continue to produce art with no guarantee of ever finding an audience. Shelley is resting comfortably and the doctors are pleased with the results of the transplant. Shelley is a highly detailed, meticulous worker. Shelley is condescending because he does not entirely understand the plight of the working class. Shelley is a fervent supporter of the no-hour week.

Shelley is clearly drawing a simile between some mental process and
the workings of nature, but what, exactly, is the mental process?